Love and to be Loved

I have a man in my life who truly loves me.   He tells me every day, multiple times a day.   This four letter word can mean so much and can represent so many things.    The word LOVE to me means, passion, infatuation, caring, heart, and connection.

Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky.    That if I hadn't had my heart in the right place at the right time, would I have ever fallen as hard and in love for the man I am with today?   Was it fate?  Destiny?  Or just timing?    He and I had crossed each other's paths so many times throughout college, even hung out with the same friends, and never meeting one another.   Our lives seemed to be sliding doors that kept missing each other in the middle.   It wasn't until our last years in college that our eyes finally met and our worlds were turned upside down.    On that night, we realized how many opportunities there were when we could have met, but because our timing was opposite, it took us until that particular day for our paths to finally cross.

Now almost four years later, I have the same man telling me multiple times a day he loves me.   Even when he doesn't say I love you, I can see it in the way he looks at me, includes me in his decisions, and does little things daily showing me that he is always thinking about me.

I always wondered what this feeling was like.   I have seen this sort of infatuation/love in the movies, where the woman is head over heels in love with her man and the man is crazy in love with her.    You almost wonder if that existed in real life.   Of course the movies can paint it to be almost TOO perfect, but I truly believe that this sort of love does exist in our world.    That when you find that person who makes you feel like one complete puzzle.

Even after four years, I think about him during the day, get excited to see him after work, and find myself smiling inside whenever I am thinking of him.   Of course there are our moments where we bicker, disagree and annoy each other but that is life.    Even when we have a hiccup, our turnaround is quick and we are back to laughing/enjoying each other's company.

Being in love is one of the most special aspects of life.    We spend a part of life finding that person that loves you and makes you feel loved all the time.    Sometimes I worry if a day would come where I think about him more than he does about me.   Or that our love will one day slowly flicker away.    I am sure this is normal to worry about this from time to time, and what always makes me change my mind is the smile I see on his face whenever he sees me after a long day at work or we've spent a few days a part.   The love and special bond we have together has reached the point of unbreakable.  

Our hearts have been melded into one and we could not be happier together.    Because in the end, the one thing we are all looking for in life in someone to love and to be loved in return.

 Have you ever felt this way for someone?  I'd love to hear from you....

Ending of an Era

So many changes are happening. Changes that are all good but changes I have been wanting for a long time.

Last night marked an ending of an era for me. I spent my last night in my apartment as a young woman. A young woman who has had her own room her entire life other than my first two years in college. From childhood rooms to college and into my career, I have had my own room.

Today marks the beginning of a new era. I am moving in with the man I love so deeply. Since high school, I have always dreamt of finding the man I'd one day end up marrying and we would make a home together. Even though I am not married yet, I know that the day is not far away and I know it will come at the perfect moment.

How lucky am I to have a man who loves me and wants to take care of me each and everyday? A man who wants to go to sleep every night with me by his side. A man who wants me to be the first person he sees when he wakes up in the morning. How lucky am I?

This big move has been in the making for over two years and I could not be more excited. We both feel like the timing is right and our relationship has never been better. We both have lived with roommates post college, he spent the last year living alone, while I got to live with one of my best friends. We have stable careers, our love for one another continues to grow stronger, we know each others flaws and routines, and we are both ready to bring our lives into one.

So today is the big move. What's mine, what is his, will now be "ours." Ours forever. He will be my roommate, my companion, my lover and my home; and I will be the same for him.

Next month (Sept. 3rd to be exact) marks four years since the day we met. My world was turned up side down. I am so lucky, thankful, overjoyed and excited to be moving in with the man I love. My advise to you when making this decision, make sure you both want it and are ready. Timing is everything. You will know when the time is right. Wish us luck and more to come.

This girl has grown up. Time to be a grown woman now.

Drama Queen

Drama Queen.   This term is used from time to time between girls to describe how one is acting.   A drama queen, according to urban dictionary means,  someone who turns something unimportant into a major deal.   Someone who blows things way out of proportion when ever the chance is given.   Sadly, I am caught in a situation that includes a drama queen.   No one likes to be called a drama queen, and almost every girl at some point in their life has been called one or something similar, including myself.   Being called a drama queen can be hurtful trust me, but in this instance, drama queen is the perfect descriptive word for my scenario.

I am currently working with a drama queen on a special occasion that has recently taken a turn for the worst.   Working with this drama queen to plan a good friends baby shower has officially sucked all of the fun and enjoyment out of the experience.   I am embarrassed and mortified that four grown women who should be able to plan a special party for one of their best friends without a hitch, are having to grovel and bow to the queen.   This weekend the tiara and throne were displayed by the queen and have officially made planning a party difficult and as un-enjoyable as possible.   Why?    Is it because she wants to win the "best friend" card?    To have something to complain about?    To make everyone want to give up so that she can take over?   I wish I knew her reasoning. 

How does one stand up to a drama queen and a  micromanager?   How can I refrain from fearing this person and allowing them to knock me down?   The sad thing is that this person thrives on drama and constantly seeks it.   No matter what I say or do, she wants to turn it into drama ammunition, putting me in a difficult place.    Drama makes me close down and question myself whether I did something wrong, even when I know it is not me.  

Life is unpredictable and sometimes we will run into instances where we have to work with difficult people.   People who nitpick, micromanage, criticize and critic everything and anything.   Working in the wedding industry I know that I will need to be prepared for when I have a Bridezilla.    WE TV actually has a show called Bridezillas and it is quit entertaining.   (To see first hand what a bridezilla is like, you can watch a few of their episodes here).   Stress can cause people to crank down and turn into different people.   I know I can handle stressful situations, interact with a variety of personalities, and always willing to take the bullet when necessary. 

So now my questions for you readers.   When you are caught in a moment where you are being blamed, criticized, or lectured, how do you respond?   How do you deal with a dramatic person?   Do you defend yourself?   Do you take the punch and let them win?   I would love your advise.

To my current drama queen (a name I will not say) you may thrive off of drama and crave it but I am not going to let you get to me.   Your words are hurtful, uncalled for, and unnecessary.    My life does not need your tantrums, games or jabs, and I wish you would realize how much you are hurting yourself by trying to knock others down.   I wish I could help you but I am afraid your drama queen days are far from ever being over.   All I can do is continue to go about planning the shower and enjoy my life one day at a time.    I hope one day your drama queen days are over and that you realize making others "fear" you is not the ideal way to life. 

There comes a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it's not giving up.   It's realizing you don't need certain people and the drama they bring.  ~ Unknown

De-Friended

Have you ever found yourself in a moment where you are just sad for no particular reason.   You  see something that makes you upset or something happens to you that makes you become down, well tonight I felt just that.   I was browsing my Facebook account and saw that my other former long-time friend (who has caused me to hurt inside for almost a year) officially "defriended" me on Facebook.  Ouch.  I have no clue how recent or how long ago this act was done, but she finally did it.  I knew it was only a matter of time before she too would do it since her accomplice dumped me within a month of telling me we were no longer friends, but I was still surprised to find she had really done it.

According to Urban Dictionary, to de-friend someone means "to remove someone from your Livejournal, MySpace, Facebook, or other social networking site.   Doing this is often seen as a passive-aggressive move, telling the person without telling them that you no longer want to be friends.   It's also commonly a response to drama.   Defriending someone often causes more drama.   There are sometimes valid reasons for doing this."

This person brought so much negativity into my life and stress and I knew she was not making my life better.  I know that I am happier and more stable as a person now with her gone and out of my social network, but why does it still hurt?   Don't get me wrong, I love social media and the interactive world wide web, but I forget how painful it is to be dumped one way after another by someone you cared about.   At times I can't even remember what life was like before AOL instant messenger and the Facebook.    Instead of being dumped all at once through all of my social media channels, it has been a gradual process, making it harder for me to cope.   The pain and hurt just keeps resurfacing and I know that is her intentions. 

Now in the 21st century, being dumped by a friend or significant other is that much harder because of the social media.  Deleting someone out of your phone book and taking down photos in your room is only half of the process.   Now we take it to a more extreme level.   We un-tag ourselves from every photo posted on Facebook, block the person on all forms of e-chat, and most of all, do this before the other person does.  When did this become okay?   Why do some people go out of their way to make sure they can show you how much they want you out of their life?   I am hurt and sad enough as it is and these ex-friends have made it more than obvious that they are going to do whatever it takes to wipe me completely out of their lives.  Seeing them take turns defriending me and blocking me on every communication level has been extremely hurtful.  After hours of work, they have managed to defriend all our mutual defriends and remove any proof that our friendships even existed.    No one wants to be the dumpee, because it is easier to be the dumper.   In this case I am the dumpee and have been dumped now in every social media channel.

I am a pretty emotional person and throughout my life I have struggled with protecting my emotions.    Now realizing how much better my life is without them and how extreme people they truly are, I am glad my life and social web is finally free.   There are going to be people who cannot be happy for you, people who use you and do not value you for who you are, and people like that don't deserve your friendship.   Instead of focusing on how hurtful it has been being dumped through one social channel at a time, I focus on how better my life is without them.    I have so much to be thankful for and it is important I remind myself of that.   I want to be sad right now but I am NOT going to let them win.    Life is too short and I know that people will come and go, some more maturely than others.   I know I am the bigger person and do not regret allowing my ex-friends to dump me and remove me permanently from their lives.   I could be mad and angry at them, but I would rather remember the good times we shared and not let my confidence be ruined because of their actions.    I know I am lucky and blessed in so many ways and the last thing I need are people who don't want to be a "real friend."

 Have you ever been dumped or defriended by someone you cared about?   How did you respond?   How did it make you feel?


"As with most human behavior – the phenomenon of defriending is very interesting and also entertaining. It also shows how very little the word “friend” means in the context of social media. If you can willy nilly defriend someone – they probably were never a friend at all." ~ Heather Shoenberger, Social Media Examiner, examiner.com. Article: Defriending- A laughing matter?

Void

It has been over two months now and it still hurts. Another friendship has fallen without a warning sign. The pain has doubled and another hole is in my heart. Of course time seems to be helping ease the pain, but when I am reminded of how things use to be, the pain resurfaces. And instead of me pushing it back down where it belongs, I tend to let it win every time.

It happened the other day, I saw the date and knew it was an important day for someone who I was once close to. I sat contemplating whether to be the bigger person and send her a message. As I contemplated, I stumbled upon messages between the two fallen people from my life who I find out have built up a friendship now, stronger than I had ever imagined. Suddenly, a sharp pain jabbed at my heart. Shoulders began to feel heavy and tears started to swell up inside me. When will this stop? Why won't the pain go away? Unfortunately, the feeling comes when I am reminded of my recent losses of two best friends. Of course I could say that I have accepted this by now and I am over it, but then I would just be lying to you and to myself. Some days are better than others, but there are moments when I am struck by sadness by this void.

Friendships have always played an important role in my life. I invest so much of myself in them, both emotionally and physically. Sadly, there have been times when I have found that people I saw as my dear friends, did not think that of me. Am I really that blind? Have I not learned what makes a true friendship? May be it is because I have been hurt so many times by so many people that I choose to be blind. I think I know how to be a true friend, but maybe I don't.

So many hurtful things were said to me by this person and were words that have now left a permanent mark. Words about the person I am, the things I do wrong, and how I really am not as good of a friend to others than I think. All I can do is take it in and learn from it. I can always be a better friend and improve myself and that is exactly what I am going to do. So I chose to not message this person. I did not end the friendship, she did, and she has made it clear that she wants to erase me from her life completely. My thoughtfulness and kindness was taken for granted anyway and it is not worth another gesture.

Even after everything that was said and done, I still have this void in my heart. An empty space that I worry may never be filled again. Why am I the one who has been hurt and broken and still missing them? Do they miss me, or miss what we had? Am I really that disposable? I truly hope not. I want to believe that they feel emptier in some way deep inside, where I once lived in their heart. Despite the break of our friendship, I will still reminisce about the times we shared and the memories we made, they may choose to forget the past.

Over time, I have learned that things change, people change, and relationships fall apart. Sometimes there isn't an answer or a reason why but you can choose whether to learn from it or not. It doesn't mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply means you move on and treasure the memories you had. Letting go doesn't mean giving up, it means accepting that some things weren't meant to be. I try to remind myself that everything happens for a reason and this is just a part of life. Friends will come and go, and the true ones will always remain.

I hope my dear friends know how much I care about them and how much they mean to me. Life is that much sweeter because of each and everyone one of them and I will continue to be the best friend I can be. I will make mistakes along the way, but my dedication, love, and appreciation for you will never end. And that is a promise I never will break.

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. ~Eleanor Roosevelt