Void

It has been over two months now and it still hurts. Another friendship has fallen without a warning sign. The pain has doubled and another hole is in my heart. Of course time seems to be helping ease the pain, but when I am reminded of how things use to be, the pain resurfaces. And instead of me pushing it back down where it belongs, I tend to let it win every time.

It happened the other day, I saw the date and knew it was an important day for someone who I was once close to. I sat contemplating whether to be the bigger person and send her a message. As I contemplated, I stumbled upon messages between the two fallen people from my life who I find out have built up a friendship now, stronger than I had ever imagined. Suddenly, a sharp pain jabbed at my heart. Shoulders began to feel heavy and tears started to swell up inside me. When will this stop? Why won't the pain go away? Unfortunately, the feeling comes when I am reminded of my recent losses of two best friends. Of course I could say that I have accepted this by now and I am over it, but then I would just be lying to you and to myself. Some days are better than others, but there are moments when I am struck by sadness by this void.

Friendships have always played an important role in my life. I invest so much of myself in them, both emotionally and physically. Sadly, there have been times when I have found that people I saw as my dear friends, did not think that of me. Am I really that blind? Have I not learned what makes a true friendship? May be it is because I have been hurt so many times by so many people that I choose to be blind. I think I know how to be a true friend, but maybe I don't.

So many hurtful things were said to me by this person and were words that have now left a permanent mark. Words about the person I am, the things I do wrong, and how I really am not as good of a friend to others than I think. All I can do is take it in and learn from it. I can always be a better friend and improve myself and that is exactly what I am going to do. So I chose to not message this person. I did not end the friendship, she did, and she has made it clear that she wants to erase me from her life completely. My thoughtfulness and kindness was taken for granted anyway and it is not worth another gesture.

Even after everything that was said and done, I still have this void in my heart. An empty space that I worry may never be filled again. Why am I the one who has been hurt and broken and still missing them? Do they miss me, or miss what we had? Am I really that disposable? I truly hope not. I want to believe that they feel emptier in some way deep inside, where I once lived in their heart. Despite the break of our friendship, I will still reminisce about the times we shared and the memories we made, they may choose to forget the past.

Over time, I have learned that things change, people change, and relationships fall apart. Sometimes there isn't an answer or a reason why but you can choose whether to learn from it or not. It doesn't mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply means you move on and treasure the memories you had. Letting go doesn't mean giving up, it means accepting that some things weren't meant to be. I try to remind myself that everything happens for a reason and this is just a part of life. Friends will come and go, and the true ones will always remain.

I hope my dear friends know how much I care about them and how much they mean to me. Life is that much sweeter because of each and everyone one of them and I will continue to be the best friend I can be. I will make mistakes along the way, but my dedication, love, and appreciation for you will never end. And that is a promise I never will break.

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. ~Eleanor Roosevelt