Stronger

Do you ever get the feeling like you are climbing towards something that you can’t see?  Or feel like you are fighting a fight you know you can never win?  Having this feeling can be heart wrenching and lately I have felt this feeling more than ever.  For the majority of my life I have always been ambitious and motivated in everything I set my mind to do.  I love working hard, putting in extra effort, and going above and beyond. Choosing to do so made me miss out on certain things, but knowing my work would benefit me in the long run made it worth the while.

As time goes by, I find myself re-evaluating my career and aspirations.  As the months continue to pass, I become closer to turning 25 and my age starting to sink in.  Not only does 25 mean you are a quarter of a century in age, but is a year that marks an important stepping stone.  In my psychology class senior year of high school, my teacher asked us to write a letter to ourselves saying where we think our lives will be when we are 25 and 40.  I must admit I am terrified for the day I get my letter and see what I wrote.  25 seemed decades away from 18 at the time and I know I thought I would be engaged/married, have a golden retriever, and living in a big city with my dream job.  Now being wiser and with a more realistic point of view, I am finding myself to be behind in my so-called "goals" and that's okay.

How do you make your dreams come true?  Why have things been harder for me than for others?  These are two questions I often ask myself.  When you work above and beyond for something, you would think the results would follow.  Unfortunately, that is not always the case.  When this happens, the first thing that can come to mind is revenge.  The cruel satisfying thoughts of giving in return what is deserved.  Does revenge make things right or better?  More often than not, it only makes things worse.  Revenge is out of the question, so then what?

Continue to fight.  Fight to stand up and prove myself to those who have knocked me down.  If being knocked down is the worst thing to happen, than I need to grow much stronger.  I need to turn to God for support and let him guide me through this hard time.  There is a reason for everything and I need to have faith. If life never knocked us down and things never went wrong, we would never learn or change anything.  When things go great we tend to take our own credit rather than give it to God or to those who have helped us along the way.  And yet, when things are rough and hard, we immediately look for someone to blame- and usually the finger is not pointing at ourselves.

As I prepare to fight this ultimate fight, I need to build my strength and faith.  Believe that someone truly knows what is best for me and guide me along the way.  There is a reason and a lesson to be learned from this and eventually the answer will come.  I have been humbled, stressed, jabbed and worn-down to point of exhaustion.  However, there have been many exciting and proud moments that I would have never experienced.

Sometimes wounds leave a permanent mark.  A mark that reminds us of what happened and how we felt. If it wasn’t for the wounds I have obtained over the years, I would not be as strong as I am today.  Life will knock us down and it is up to us to take the hit and fight back, no matter how much we want to quit.  I will fight, fight for what I deserve and what I know I can do.  I hold the key to my own success and failures and taking the hits without a fight back is never an option.  What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger Jessica, and I will be stronger.

“Turn your wounds into wisdom.” ~Oprah Winfrey