Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Mask

Last night I had a moment of weakness.    I had an intervention with myself on why I have been so "grumpy."   My parents are concerned because my voice seems to be sounding stressed a lot lately and no matter how hard I try to mask it, they see right through it.    I am a victim of cheating.     Not the kind of cheating one thinks of when you hear that word.   I am guilty of a different type of cheating.  I am cheating on my job.

You know when you have something missing in a relationship, you will do anything and everything before turning to the answer of terminating the relationship.    You instead try to find a replacement or distraction from really facing the problem to see if that will help alleviate the pain.   Well, that is sort of what I have been doing for the past few months.    Finding ways to fulfill where my job makes me feel empty.

So you may be thinking.... how does one cheat on their job?    I will tell you how.   I am cheating on my job by taking on more than I can handle through my  boards and side jobs.   I am masking the lacking I am feeling from my real job and finding other ways I can do the things I am interested in.    In other words, I am seeking fulfillment through other means rather than addressing the REAL issue.    The issue being that I am unhappy at work, and completely BURNT OUT.

The excitement, the enjoyment, the eagerness has started to phase.   No more surprises, no more eager to jump out of bed and get to work!    The honeymoon phase has come and GONE, and has been long gone for quite some time.

So now what?    I cannot pretend any longer.    I cannot put on a happy face and continue to ignore what my heart is trying to tell me.    Jessica, three years is a long time to be at a company.   You have accomplished all of your goals here, you have mastered all of your tasks, you unfortunately you have reached a plateau.   There is nothing new for you to do in this job.   You know you love to challenge yourself, learn new things and you aren't getting this anymore.    Your time has come to leave and that is MORE THAN OKAY.    People change jobs, change careers, you have proven everything you can here and unfortunately there is no where for you move up.    It is going to be time consuming, difficult, and a little scary to find a new job, and it may take a long time, but it is time.   No more ignoring it.    

Even as I read the words my heart and mind have been trying to tell me, I still get nervous.    I love my team here, they are the hardest working people I know and everyday they are busting their butts.    I love the mission of our work too and enjoy helping raise money.   However, I cannot ignore how I feel any longer.   There is SO MUCH I am interested in.   So many things I want to be doing and obtaining.     

To start facing my feelings, I need to do some serious soul searching.  Figure out what do I want to do?   Where do I see my career going next?    These are questions I need to answer before I really start diving into the search.

Have you changed careers recently?    Do you have any recommendations on how to figure out what you want to do?    Are you going through something similar?   I would love to hear your tips, advise, thoughts.

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