Impressionable

When it comes to making a decision, some prefer to make the decision whereas others prefer it when someone else decides. Of the two, I like it when other people make the decision. I rarely have a preference and I always want to make sure that everyone else is happy. I guess that makes me somewhat of a "people pleaser." However, this does not mean I am a "follower" or someone who is easily persuaded. If everyone is happy then I am happy no matter what we are doing. The times I do speak up are when I am truly against something or not interested.

Lately I have found myself being impressionable. My family seems to be having an affect on me more than ever, and not in a good way. For many occasions I will turn to friends and family for advice, but there is one particular topic I am finding harder and harder to discuss.

I want to continue to confide in my family about it but I know it does not help. My family's opinion is so important to me and I usually am on their side, but not on this instance. Instead I am finding myself pulling away from my parents and holding things in. I wear my emotions on my sleeve but being away from them helps me shield them from the hurt I am feeling inside. Sometimes I wish they knew how much the things they have said and the nonverbal acts they do, really hurt me.

Parents want the best for their children and I know that. I am so incredibly lucky to have such loving parents who want the very best for their oldest daughter. They are not afraid to push me, question me, and encourage me. Except this time their pushing and questioning is too much. They may think they know what I want and need, but I am still the one who knows best. And even if I am wrong, let me learn on my own rather than continue to tell me. Their words and actions are influencing me to join their side because they know my weakness. My weakness for their support and acceptance.

How long will I continue to battle them on this issue? I worry I will do what I know my heart does not want me to do just so the hurt will stop. My pain is causing pain on someone else, and their influence is the instigator. I usually can withstand persuasion but I fear that this is a time I may not win.

I cannot be easily influenced by others, I need to dig deep inside and really hear what my heart and mind are saying. This is my life and the one who is living it, not anyone else. Every day we are influenced by the things we hear and see but it doesn't mean we have to follow them. I need to make my own decisions and not let others chose for me. I am putting down my "people pleaser" self and fighting against the pressure. I need to tune out all the negative and do some serious soul searching to find my answer.

“People are generally better persuaded by the reasons which they have themselves discovered than by those which have come in to the mind of others.” ~ Blaise Pascal